Yes, I know that “hyperapostrophia” is not a real word. However, I think it’s time that it becomes one as the condition it describes is so very acute.
Having always been an observer of language and a picky one at that, I espouse that the overuse of apostrophes is a relatively new thing. Now, if you thought that should have been “apostrophe’s”, you can know you’ve been infected!
I’m one of those concrete thinkers who actually thinks rules are our friends. Yes, sometimes they’re made to be broken, and they always are broken in English. Is there another language where you could find something like through/though/bough —the same 4 letters having totally different pronunciations? But in order to know when we must break them, we have to know what they are first.
Remembering the elementary school lessons about apostrophes, I believe first we had them explained as showing ownership, such as “the dog’s food”, “the lady’s purse”, “Brandon’s backpack”. This was the fairly easy part. Then there were abbreviations — don’t, can’t, shouldn’t, won’t, etc. Once again, not difficult. You put two words together, you need to show that something was left out. Therefore, we see the two uses for apostrophes.
We probably already knew about hers, his, ours, theirs, yours, and mine. Seeing as we are fairly used to these, most of the time people get them right. I can’t say I’ve never seen “her’s” or “your’s”, but mostly not. (Just for the record, telling you now that there is never any need for her’s, your’s, hi’s or his’, their’s, or mine’s.)
Ah, but now, the tricky parts.
#1. It’s vs. its.
The truth is that its = yours, hers, theirs. Any time a possessive is to be conveyed for an “it”, there is no apostrophe. The dog was chasing its tail. I don’t know what its purpose is.
The only time to use “it’s” is when the meaning is “it is”. It’s time to go home. I don’t know what it’s going to be about.
Therefore to know which one to use in a sentence, check to see if “it is” could be used. If so, go with it’s. Otherwise, it’s just plain ole its. (See what I did there.)
#2. Plurals
Plurals can be -s or -es or occasionally something weird like ox to oxen. Or ones that stay the same, like sheep and sheep, whether the number is 1 or 25.
But plurals are NOT made by apostrophes. “All shirt’s on sale” doesn’t make sense. That says “All shirt is on sale.” “Get your 2021 calendar’s here.” Nope.
How did this get started? I propose that it is in an attempt not to underdo, an attempt to get it right.
One of the worst offenders is when an apostrophe is added to a last name, such as “Merry Christmas from the Agnew’s”. Once again, what that says is “Merry Christmas from the Agnew is.” And if it read Merry Christmas from the Agnews’, one should wonder “the Agnews’ what?”
To avoid the predicament of hyperapostrophia, remember that an apostrophe is to be used only for 2 reasons —to show possessiveness and to stand for 2 words. Otherwise, abandon the apostrophe and carry on. Life will be simpler, I assure you.